It's been just over a year since I last wrote anything here, and truth be told, I suppose quite a bit's happened since then.

I've done a year of English language alongside the maths, and decided that I can't complete the maths degree due to my own incompetency, and then went on to decide that I actually like English language (the idea of enjoying one's degree being a novel one, due to the year of maths...) and wanted to switch to that. I applied to switch, and would think I'd get though, what with the first class English grades I had. So naturally, I didn't get accepted because the maths grades weren't good enough (not good enough at maths to be an English student... makes loads of sense, I know), and was left with the option of continuing maths at Edinburgh, or leaving. So I'm leaving.

In September, I'll now be starting my English language degree at the University of Manchester, where my friend Sophie already goes. She'll be in her last year (because she doesn't chop and change subjects as she feels like it) and I'll be in my first. Again. How very odd. It's going to be weird to be leaving, but I don't feel like I'm leaving that much behind at Edinburgh really. Jay isn't staying there - he's quitting the politics degree to travel for a year, and is then returning to either architecture or town planning. And Cecily is going to America to study abroad next year anyway. It'll be a relief to be studying something I like. It's just what the hell I'm going to do with myself after the degree that worries me somewhat.

Meanwhile, it's summer and I'm idly waiting for time to pass before I go away to university again and start anew. I'm just working all summer really, back in the bakery, and trying to get some money together so I'm not a total pauper when I go away. Paying of a holiday I went on with Jay about two weeks ago, and trying to pay for mine and Jay's trip to Barcelona in September to celebrate his 21st birthday. Ouch.

I'm trying to get back into writing again though. Was doing quite well until I successfully left my writing books at university. That was a very clever move of mine. I'm still not entirely sure how I managed to do that, but I have my suspicions. It was a stroke of true genius either way, and means that I've lost a lot of what I was working on. Writing on here means that I can get back into the habit of writing frequently though, which will be a good thing for me, I suspect.

So here I am, back again!

It's Saturday afternoon. I feel a bit better in myself at the minute. I ended up talking to Jason about how unhappy I've been at the minute, and for some reason, it's felt like a big relief since. I've not told my parents, because I know that they'll worry about me, but I've been talking to them a lot recently.

Today I've just got to get my lecture notes written up. If I don't do that, then within a couple of weeks, the maths will not make any sense. The German and logic can wait indefinitely really, it'sjust the maths I need to make the most sense of. So I'll do that today - I don't really have anything else to do.

I'm making dinner for Jay and me tonight - curry I think. Should be easy enough. I'd like to make the one that my dad makes from scratch, but I don't really want to experiment about with different things to make when I'm cooking for someone else, so I'll have to meander on round to Tesco later and get some chicken and the like for dinner.

Harkieran and James have broken up after he's been at university for two weeks and she's been there for less than one. Up until the weekend, James said he missed her, and then yesterday, he said that he doesn't think it's going to work and he wants to take a break for a year. I dunno what to think really. He's cheated on her before so it's automatic to think that he's going to do it again, but he might just want to be with someone there, or be single for a bit. I dunno. I suppose I can't really speculate when the above is all I know of the situation.

The maths lectures are making more sense at the minute - I've done some of the stuff before, which has cheered me up. It's evidently going to take a lot more work than I thought to keep ahead of the course, but I'm sure I can do it.

And I need a job. This is proving extremely annoying - everywhere is looking for Christmas temps. I cannot work over Christmas, and thus cannot find anywhere that will hire me. It doesn't help that I sound rather English in the middle of Scotland. It's obvious I'm a student, and therefore obvious that I'll be going home come Christmas. I'm tempted to either leave it until after Christmas and survive on the meagre money I can spend, or to just lie and say I'll be here over Christmas and then quit just before I go home.

I intend to join the gym sometime this week. It makes joining badminton society half price, which is good, but it also means I can meander on down during the day, between lectures, and get some much-needed exercise. At the minute, I'm not doing any, and I'm inevitably going to put on a fair bit of weight if I continue in my 'ooo, chocolate spread!' fashion, at the supermarket.

Anyway, lecture notes and then shopping. Jason's coming round at about half nine after he's been to work - he's working all day today; the Next sale is on. Fun stuff. So at least he doesn't need to make dinner when he gets in. I also want to buy some speakers for my zen today, so I'll run down to Argos later on, I think!

Hope everyone's well! :~)

I want to go home. I've had enough of it here. I can try to pretend that I'm perfectly happy all the time, but I can't last that long.

It's nearly one and I'm in the flat on my own, I think. Jason decided at half past ten that he was going to go to bed after we were sitting in the flat next door to his for an hour or so. I followed - my things were in his flat. I left him there to sleep and meandered home in the dark. It's a couple of minutes away, but it was hideously cold and everywhere I look there are groups of students and couples and already I feel like I'm about to start crying.

I've spent the last couple of hours, or however long it's been, crying, eating and reading crappy romances on the internet.

I just feel intensely alone. I don't think I've ever felt like this in my life. It's just awful.

I want my mum, and I want my family, and my dogs, and my bed. I want to be happy in myself again. I want my books and my house. And a cooker that doesn't scare me. I want to be in Leeds again, and to be at Asda at work again, and my friends. I miss them so much. I want to see Sophie and Gareth and Neil, and I want to hug them all and cry and tell them how glad I am to be with them again. I want everything to be the way it used to be; I don't want to be happy here, I want to be home.

I sit in maths lectures and stare at the lecturers. I don't know what they're talking about. I feel so out of my depth, and my notes would probably make sense if I knew what they were talking about. German is dull and simple and too 'now say that back to me class' for my liking. Logic is so boring I almost fell asleep in the last lecture. My loan came through today, but I'd rather just take the money and run. I don't know where to. I don't know who with.

Jason fits in so well. He has all his friends there in his building - I don't really fit in. I don't feel like myself. I find myself holding back in conversations and shrinking away when I'm at his with the people in the surrounding flats. I can talk to them well enough, but I just feel sometimes like they're looking at me and wondering what I'm doing there. There was a poster today on their fridge that someone had made with all their names on it, and I felt as if I was just sinking somehow. I just feel like I'm Jason's Girlfriend, not Rosie anymore. That dull one.

They were rating people the other day out of ten on how much they liked them. I didn't want to know how I was rated, but for the rest of the evening, all I could do was imagine them standing about together saying things like, "Oh, you're an eight! But Rosie's a two or something." and then in this scenario someone laughs and says, "No, Rosie's like minus five!" I really hate myself today. It's got to the point where I walk out of my bedroom strangely so that I don't have to look at my mirror. I keep starving myself. Not for long. Long enough so that I feel hungry and a bit thinner. I binged out when I started crying though, but I got rid of all the unhealthy things I had, so I'm eating crackers and cheese. And crying still.

It's just that Jason seems to be having such a good time. He went out with a few people the other night to a badminton social thing, got quite drunk and came back with them. I'd been feeling a bit crap and tired so I stayed in at his watching dvds. They staggered in drunk and now today there are loads of pictures of him with them on someone's facebook with one of the girl's periodically draped across him or with their arms round each other and just things like that and I feel left out and like I'm just that boring girlfriend he'll go back to at the end of the night. We don't seem to have any fun anymore. I'm so tightly wound trying to be cheerful (or just trying not to cry sometimes) that if he does even the slightest thing I'll snap at him and get all agressive and I hate myself for doing it because I feel like I'm pushing him away and if I do and he leaves me then I'll be entirely alone and I feel miserable and alone enough as it is.

I can't even tell him how I feel anymore. I daren't tell him how often I just have one meal a day now, because he gets frustrated when I complain that I'm fat and won't talk to me about it at all. And I just can't tell him how unhappy I am here - I feel like I'd be admitting some terrible sin. I hugged him earlier and almost burst into tears in his arms. It was awful, and it took everything I had not to. In some ways, it would be just so easy to admit how much I want to go home and have someone who knows how I feel but I just can't tell him. I just can't.

Earlier, I said I liked Cheryl's vet friends (one of my housemates), and Jason said, "Well, can't you go out with them then?" and now it seems like even he has had enough with me. Coming back from a two hour wander around the city centre looking for a bike shop, we stopped at the crossroads near mine. He expected me to go home. I didn't want to, and he looked almost disappointed and started saying things like "well I'm just making tea for me and Paul that's all".

I just want to curl up in his arms and to feel like he's happy with me. I don't think he is. I feel like I'm about to be dumped. I really do.

More than anything else, I want to go one day without crying. Just one.

So yeah, I'm sitting in an internet cafe wondering what to do with myself in Edinburgh. It's very weird. The internet should be sorted out soon in my room, which will be good. I've made some friends. My flatmates are great. I've been drinking myself stupid. I've still got a fair bit of money left. I've not even started thinking about looking for a job. I miss my mum. I miss my friends, but I like the new friends that I've been making. Having Jay around the corner is exceedingly comforting, especially when I'm being a homesick pillock.

That's this week in short! I'm also struggling to get used to doing my own shopping - I never really know what kinds of things I need to buy for myself for the coming week, and as a result, I eat crap a lot! There's a Greggs around the corner too, so I keep finding myself wandering in and buying a couple of sausage rolls, so that I can put one in the fridge for later. I'm going to have to plan my weekly eatings, I think, just so I don't gain stones of weight!

Anyroad, I'm going to do something marginally more productive with the remaining ten minutes of my time on the internet, I suppose. I've got an email from the university saying that I can access the one in my room now, which is fantastic, but it also means that I need to grab someone useful and go buy the wire I need to connect it, on the grounds that I cannot identify it by myself in a shop to save my life!

Hope everyone's well!